Understanding People-Pleasing: A Survival Mechanism Rooted in Attachment Trauma
People-pleasing is a behavior many of us fall into, driven by the need to meet others' expectations, avoid conflict, and seek approval—often at the expense of our own needs and boundaries. This leaves us drained, frustrated, and resentful as we continually suppress our own desires.
As a trauma-informed psychotherapist, I frequently see how people-pleasing functions as a survival mechanism tied to attachment trauma, particularly for those who grew up in emotionally unstable or unpredictable environments. In this post, I’ll explore the origins of people-pleasing as it relates to childhood trauma and attachment, and how IFS-informed EMDR therapy can help you heal your people-pleasing parts, develop healthier boundaries, and self-worth.
The Role of Attachment Trauma in People-Pleasing
When I think about the power of attachment and connection, my mind always goes to an experiment from the late 1950s*. The study is controversial and sadly involved the unethical treatment of monkeys. However, it provided crucial insights into the importance of early social bonds and attachment.
TL;DR: In one experiment, infant monkeys preferred a comforting cloth "mother" over a wire one that provided food, only approaching the latter briefly for nourishment. This demonstrated the vital role of comfort and affection in early development and attachment, beyond merely meeting basic needs.
When we recognize healthy attachment as an essential component of development, rather than a “nice bonus,” this really puts into perspective that people-pleasing is a learned survival mechanism resulting from attachment trauma.
Attachment trauma occurs when a child’s connection to their caregiver is disrupted in some way, which is especially common in households where one or both parents are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or abusive. Examples could look like:
Severe birth complications of a younger sibling lead to your parents having less time and mental energy to tend to your needs
Your dad struggles with an alcohol addiction, is regularly drunk, and unable to tend to your needs
Your mom’s untreated depression leads her to be incapable of taking care of you after school
A highly critical parent’s approval and affection is only given if you excel and behave
When a child grows up in an environment where love, approval, or safety are conditional—dependent on being “good,” quiet, or compliant– they develop a sense of having to “walk on eggshells.” This leads children to focus their energy on attuning to their caregivers’ needs, minimizing their own, and avoiding conflict. This is done to secure attention or affection and maintain some semblance of safety in their relationship.
Children in such environments often develop insecure attachment styles. For instance, a child with an anxious attachment style may become hyper-attuned to others' moods to maintain a connection with an unpredictable caregiver. As adults, they may feel compelled to earn love and approval by being easy-going or self-sacrificing, leading to a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.
Understanding People-Pleasing Through Attachment and IFS
Does this sound familiar? You might notice a part of yourself that takes on too much, sacrifices your own needs, struggles with knowing what you want, and fears rejection. Through the lens of attachment and internal family systems (IFS), it is key to recognize that a people-pleasing part ultimately has good intentions for us: it wants to keep us safe and connected in relationships. This part may have been critical in childhood, where survival—both emotional and/or physical—often depended on pleasing caregivers. While a protective people-pleasing part kept us safe then, as adults it prevents us from:
Setting boundaries with others.
Attuning to our own needs and developing a trusting relationship with ourselves
Expressing our true needs to loved ones.
Engaging in authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Acknowledging the role of attachment trauma and the protective nature of people-pleasing is the first step toward developing self-compassion and healing from the fears that drive related beliefs about self and behaviors.
A Pathway to Healing: Integrating IFS and EMDR
Using IFS-informed EMDR therapy, we cultivate self-compassion and trust with your people-pleasing parts, exploring the “why” behind their role. This often reveals a younger, wounded part that fears rejection, abandonment, or being unloved. We validate these fears and work to integrate this part in a healthier way. This might involve helping the People-Pleaser feel safe enough to step back, allowing other parts of you to take the lead in setting boundaries and asserting needs.
EMDR therapy complements this process by targeting the underlying wounds of the people-pleasing part, allowing for reprocessing and reintegration of past traumatic experiences. By reprocessing these memories, we can reduce the associated emotional charge and let go of heavy baggage (trauma). As this healing work takes place, you will find yourself feeling more empowered and ready to change the ways you show up in relationships. A significant part of healing involves learning to set boundaries—essential for protecting emotional well-being and ensuring balanced, reciprocal relationships.
Steps for Setting Boundaries
It’s important to note that sometimes, over-functioning, people-pleasing parts can lead to power imbalances or abuse, especially in romantic relationships. Your safety is the top priority, and we assess together your sense of safety when exploring boundary-setting in any relationship.
Setting boundaries looks different in different relationships. A few ways we may explore setting boundaries include:
Identify personal needs: Understand what you need in relationships, whether it’s time for yourself, respect, or emotional support.
Communicating effectively: Practice expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and calmly, without feeling the need to justify or apologize for them.
Saying “No”: Learn to say “no” without guilt. Remember that saying no to others often means saying “yes” to yourself.
Dealing with disapproval: Understand that not everyone will be happy with your boundaries, and that’s okay. Overcoming the fear of disapproval is part of building resilience.
By setting and maintaining boundaries, you can break the cycle of people-pleasing and build relationships grounded in mutual respect and authenticity. As the people-pleasing parts of you no longer feel burdened by the wounds they once held, they may take on different roles, whether that be being considerate to yourself and others, an advocate, etc.
Ready to take the first step toward overcoming people-pleasing?
I invite you to reach out to me, and let’s work together!
Reach Out: Take the first step by contacting me here.
Let’s Chat: Schedule a consultation to discuss your experience with people-pleasing and see if we’re a good fit.
Start Healing: Begin your personalized healing journey and find freedom from people-pleasing!
Reference:
*Harlow, H. F. (1958). The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13(12), 673–685. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0047884